Notes from a church bench - 3

Part 3

I narrated my predicament the best I could. It was broken, often misplaced and as usual long winded, but the Father had all the patience in the world to listen without ever saying a word. He let me finish. When I was done he just put a finger on his lips and gestured me to not say anymore. Almost like kindergarten I thought! He looked around, smiled a hello to a few people who passed us by. I guess he sensed that I was tired mentally after that and needed a few moments of silent rest before I could listen attentively again.  He was right; I was.

After a while, he abruptly broke the silence and asked, “So what do you want to do now?” The question took me by surprise. It was as if all that I had narrated didn’t really matter. He was right, it didn’t. What mattered what was to come next.  I replied, “I don’t know Father, I am so confused, I really have no clue.” He laughed wryly and said, “Son don’t let yourself be fooled by this notion that you are confused.” I was perplexed and looked it, almost irritated actually. He continued, “In matters of life there is never a confused state, one always knows right at the outset what one wants. It’s the amount of difficulty in the path of attaining that want is where the mind steps in uninvited and begins to find reasons or excuses to avoid that path. That’s what fools one into believing he or she is confused. I can tell you that you already know what you want to do, but the troubles in the way scare the mind not your heart, so your mind’s giving you 1000 reasons why you shouldn’t. You heart on the other hand is a child. It is fearless, selfish and only knows what it wants, what it needs. What is importance here is which way you lean towards and listen to. It is this conflict that we often conclude to be a state of confusion. The only question to answer is who you would want to listen to, the clarity and vision of the heart, or the doubts and fears of the mind. And that my friend is a question only you can answer to yourself and not me or anyone else.”

Nothing was said for a while. In his usual calm way he said, “Son, don’t say a word more. You have finally poured your heart out, after a long time. Go home now, I promise you will be able to get some sleep, you’re tired inside. Tomorrow when we meet again, we shall talk about your predicament when your mind’s rested.” Impatiently I asked, “But Father; am I wrong?” He simply said, “What do you think son? What I think, what your friends and family think, what the world thinks doesn’t matter. What you think is the only thing that does. Go home, get some sleep first, when you wake up you would have decided between the yearnings of your heart and reasons of your mind you. Then accordingly I will try and guide you. Son neither of the two choices will be wrong, that l promise.”

He walked back to the church, turning around only when he got there to wave me good bye. He knew I would be standing where I was, watching him. I went home and for the first time two days I slept for hours straight. I woke up, strangely feeling lighter and in the mood to go out for a night on the town. I was decided.

Notes from a church bench - 2

Part 2

I think I'll skip to the end of our conversation for now as I feel there may be some significance to it for any of you who may end up reading this.

By now Father Costello had very graciously but tactfully broken down my walls and I think this was the intent he came with when we started to our long conversation.

He looked at me intently and asked, “It’s been two days now, so what’s really bothering you son?” That was it, the tears rolled down the cheeks and I began to choke. “I think life just passed me by. And there is no way back for me anymore. I may end up dying all alone.”  He laughed, I was not only not amused but felt embarrassed that I cried in front of a person I didn't even know existed a couple of days back. My male libido lay there in pieces. I gave him that look exactly.

He put his hand on my shoulder, “The beauty of life son is there's always a second chance. And it's inside us; we just don't seem to know it. You see, second chances are never easy, but are always fulfilling. The trouble is that everyone has that second chance, but most are either they're ignorant about it and just believe this is the way things will always be and just go on like that. Or they are so scared of failure they chose not to exercise their second chance. In both cases they end up disappointed most times. I mean look at yourself; you have already set in motion your second chance in life and you don't even know it. From all that we have spoken I realize that there is no one or nothing coming in between you and your path. The determination in your eye is almost unnerving. Yet you cry about the fact life may have passed you by. Sorry I couldn't help laughing hearing what you just said because of that.” My embarrassment levels went up a couple of more notches at this point. He continued, “From all I have heard, it’s the opposite, you are reborn. I look at you and I am filled with great hope and happiness, but I also full of great fear and anguish. I feel happy to see that there are still people like you in the world, who have fire in the belly and will put everything on the line to get where they want to be, people who still live by the heart.”  He went silent and his smile disappeared. His pause was unbearable so I nudged him, “Why fear and anguish?” He had a worried look by now but he continued. “People like you if successful in their endeavors go onto to make the most of it and never let it go to waste. They celebrate it every day. They never take it for granted as they know how they bled to get there. They are blessed. But then again such people also fail in those endeavors and fall harder and end up broken more than others.  You see some people take up that second chance inside of them looking at their objective as a mere bonus. So when they succeed they celebrate it that way. If they don't succeed, they shrug their shoulders and move on because it probably never mattered that much. But those who put into work every sinew in body mind and soul towards their goal as it means everything to them are in greater danger. So if failure comes their way, they fall harder and break much more and at times they can’t put themselves back together. And then the vicious cycle of not knowing there’s still another chance begins once again and not all of those end up in this church bench. I have tried to dissuade you at times over these two days, but I have hit a brick wall, so that’s why my anguish and fear along with my hope and happiness. Let walk back now, let’s not talk for awhile and just reflect.” We walked back; I really couldn’t think so much, I was drained. We reached the church gate and he turned around, his smile was back, and somehow that comforted me.

He turned around, and said, “Son, go the path you have chosen and the many others you will chose. I will pray for your well-being but mostly I will pray that calm and peace replace the trouble and turmoil you are in. I'll pray your hopes and dreams come true, but more than that I’ll pray you don’t stop dreaming, because the world needs more children like you. However, you need to promise me one thing though. If you succeed you will come back here and do what I told you to do as that will help us to show others that there is hope, there is that second chance. However, if you don't succeed you will still come back here and still do what I told you to do. I probably won't be here, but there will be others to assuage your pain and start this cycle for you again. You're too precious to stay lost. I hope everyone around sees that. I will pray for you every day. So now go, and know this, no matter what anyone tells you, he is with you. Stay well son, God bless.”

I didn't know what to say, I couldn't even say bye. He embraced me, and I turned away and walked back to the apartment. It was too much for me to take in. So I decided to take all that we had spoken in bite sized chunks that I could assimilate, comprehend and store away inside me for a lifetime of use. I don't know if all this makes sense to anyone, but if it makes sense to even one, then I think my effort is to share these snippets of the conversation so worth the while. Be well folks until next time :-) 

Notes from a church bench - 1

Not getting sleep, I wandered into the streets nearby early one morning, and kept walking up and down the street near my apartment and passed this church a few times. I decided to sit through a mass at the church in the hope that it would settle my nerves a bit. After the service, Father Costello walked up to me and introduced himself. I asked him why he walked up to me, he said he knew everyone at the service except me and he saw trouble in my eyes. Lucky guess I thinkJ. We got talking and over the next two days we got talking and through our long conversations after mass.

One of the conversations, I’d like to share right now is when I asked him, “Father how does one un-love a person?” He replied, “Son assuming there was love to begin with, I don’t think that really ever happens.” He went on to say that even if one “stopped loving another”; he or she replaces that feeling with either bitterness or regret and puts it away in a corner of his or her heart. If the feeling is of regret then there is no question of not loving anymore. However, if the feeling is replaced with bitterness it’s only because he or she is hurt and that hurt emanates from love that was placed in the other person. “So, you tell me son, when did the unloving ever occur? It’s just that some are good at forgetting that love and some are not so good at it and would I be right to think you belong to the latter?” I never answered that question.

I then went on to ask a question that I wanted an answer to so badly, and one that was unbiased and unsolicited. I knew the answer but just didn’t know the reasons why. At the same time I was also scared that I could be wrong and I almost didn’t ask him this fearing I would hear an answer I didn’t want to hear. Nevertheless going by my penchant for inviting trouble I went on and I asked him how does one create or develop love for someone. He looked at me with a wry smile he replied, “Son I am not sure that is even possible. I mean one can develop a healthy respect, affection and to some level affinity.” “But how can you be so sure? Don’t get me wrong I agree with you but I just don’t know the why and the how.” I shot back, gently of course. “Son does a mother create love for her new born baby that she never planned on having in the first place forget about actually having a child out of will? When you first fell in love, do you remember telling yourself that you ‘must’ love her ‘because’ she is so beautiful and intelligent? Or do you remember just telling that she is so pretty and wondering what can I do to make her love me because you were always in love from the moment you saw her. Does an artist make an effort to love his vocation? Love just springs between people at an instant or at a moment and needs no fertilizers, cultivation; it’s just there, period.” He then went onto say, “despite that, I also feel that a combination of respect, affection and dependency in certain situations can come together to form a strong substitute for love and still serve the same purpose almost as effectively as love alone would. But is that feeling that is created over time love? No, it’s affection, there is a fine line people just don’t realize it. Is it right? Yes, at times it’s the only option and if it brings peace to all those around then how could it be wrong. No one said each or the other is better. They both can work, they both can fail. The only difference being is love needs no tending to, it take care of itself. Love also ensures contentment of the soul unequivocally and fulfillment of the Lord’s word, but the other doesn’t necessarily go against it as well.  So son if you feel I’ll assure you by telling you Love is the right way and the only way, I’m afraid I cannot do that. But I can comfort you by saying this that l would chose love every time and I think everyone should too because the Lord brought us in this world for one purpose only, to share his love through you with everyone around you. After all there is so less of it in this world every passing day – the hatred, intolerance, the anguish, the loneliness that people go through that anytime love can be protected and shared it should.”

Our conversation had a pretext to it and also continued extensively. I may go and share more snippets of this beautiful, comforting, painful, happy and sad conversation over time. But thought I’d stitch this one together to begin with. Take careJ.