Notes from a church bench - 3

Part 3

I narrated my predicament the best I could. It was broken, often misplaced and as usual long winded, but the Father had all the patience in the world to listen without ever saying a word. He let me finish. When I was done he just put a finger on his lips and gestured me to not say anymore. Almost like kindergarten I thought! He looked around, smiled a hello to a few people who passed us by. I guess he sensed that I was tired mentally after that and needed a few moments of silent rest before I could listen attentively again.  He was right; I was.

After a while, he abruptly broke the silence and asked, “So what do you want to do now?” The question took me by surprise. It was as if all that I had narrated didn’t really matter. He was right, it didn’t. What mattered what was to come next.  I replied, “I don’t know Father, I am so confused, I really have no clue.” He laughed wryly and said, “Son don’t let yourself be fooled by this notion that you are confused.” I was perplexed and looked it, almost irritated actually. He continued, “In matters of life there is never a confused state, one always knows right at the outset what one wants. It’s the amount of difficulty in the path of attaining that want is where the mind steps in uninvited and begins to find reasons or excuses to avoid that path. That’s what fools one into believing he or she is confused. I can tell you that you already know what you want to do, but the troubles in the way scare the mind not your heart, so your mind’s giving you 1000 reasons why you shouldn’t. You heart on the other hand is a child. It is fearless, selfish and only knows what it wants, what it needs. What is importance here is which way you lean towards and listen to. It is this conflict that we often conclude to be a state of confusion. The only question to answer is who you would want to listen to, the clarity and vision of the heart, or the doubts and fears of the mind. And that my friend is a question only you can answer to yourself and not me or anyone else.”

Nothing was said for a while. In his usual calm way he said, “Son, don’t say a word more. You have finally poured your heart out, after a long time. Go home now, I promise you will be able to get some sleep, you’re tired inside. Tomorrow when we meet again, we shall talk about your predicament when your mind’s rested.” Impatiently I asked, “But Father; am I wrong?” He simply said, “What do you think son? What I think, what your friends and family think, what the world thinks doesn’t matter. What you think is the only thing that does. Go home, get some sleep first, when you wake up you would have decided between the yearnings of your heart and reasons of your mind you. Then accordingly I will try and guide you. Son neither of the two choices will be wrong, that l promise.”

He walked back to the church, turning around only when he got there to wave me good bye. He knew I would be standing where I was, watching him. I went home and for the first time two days I slept for hours straight. I woke up, strangely feeling lighter and in the mood to go out for a night on the town. I was decided.